In a development that can only be described as disturbing, traditionally water-based sources of nightmare fuel are now trending towards exiting the water in search of new elements to terrorize. Sharks are learning how to fly and lately Somali pirates have been plundering, pillaging, and kidnapping on land.
Last night a team of US Navy SEALS was deployed in Somalia to rescue one American and one Danish hostage who had been held by the pirates since October. According to reports, the SEALS rolled in by helicopter, smoked nine pirates while sustaining no casualties, and then disappeared into the night with the former captives. Mission accomplished. Damn it must feel good to be a SEAL.
Here are my three takeaways from the turn of events:
1. I don’t know if you can really get away with calling yourself a pirate if you’re plundering your booty on land. You’re certainly not a pirate qua pirate. That requires water. A better name for a land-based pirate would just be … well, let’s just say it rhymes with “bass bowl.”
2. Get ready to be bombarded by talk show appearances by rescued American hostage Jessica Buchanan. Best looking hostage rescue since Jessica Lynch? Was Amanda Knox technically a hostage?
3. As always, the best way to avoid being kidnapped by pirates: Stay away from Somalia until the country sorts out some of its most pressing issues. Like being overrun with pirates.
